My Husband and I Always Fight on Family Vacations. Who’s Right?

Whenever we go on family vacations, my husband is obsessed with activities. For instance, we recently had a day where we went fishing in the morning, went to a museum in the afternoon, and had tickets for a show in the evening. We had one unscheduled hour after lunch, and he insisted that we use it to take the toddler to the pool. He said she needed to be “active” because she had napped while we were fishing, even though she would have been fine playing quietly in the hotel room. The next day was gray and rainy, but he led us on a hike (I carried the baby and he carried the toddler), and then unilaterally decided to extend it partway through, but didn’t even mention to me that he was leading us on a longer route than we’d agreed on. By the time I caught on, both kids were exhausted and we were out of snacks, but there were still two miles left. I’ll admit I was pretty crabby about it.

I’d been up breastfeeding during the night and watched both kids in the morning while he worked out (I’m a stay-at-home mom, so this is pretty typical), and honestly I hadn’t even wanted to go hiking at all, and was just trying to be a good sport. I would much rather have relaxed for the afternoon. I know we’re spending money on the trip and should make the most of it, but does that have to mean filling every possible minute?

I asked a group of friends about their family travel experiences, and several of them nodded in recognition when I shared your story. One family even has a term for it: “Dad Camp,” referring to days filled with ambitious dad-planned activities that everyone else complains about. In their case, the term is one of half-endearment, a running joke as they all slog through, say, a desert hike in the scorching heat of the afternoon. Yes, it’s a gift to bring loved ones on adventures that they would never have considered alone. But it’s also a gift to consider their needs and energy levels; too much pressure can turn someone off an otherwise-fun activity forever.

I’m sure your husband means well. I imagine he misses his family while he’s at work, and he wants to tell people at work about his vacation. He doesn’t know how exhausting it is to care for a baby and a toddler because he rarely does it himself, and when he does, it’s a novelty; he can tell himself that the reason it’s so hard is because “you’re better at it.” I suspect that this dynamic is less about gender—that is, that it’s endemic to dads specifically—and far more about parents who aren’t primarily involved in childcare having FOMO about spending time with their family, not realizing that their kids’ stamina is more limited than theirs, and being oblivious about the degree to which their partner is working constantly and may need to rest, not hustle, when they get the chance. If your job is childcare, then traveling with kids isn’t vacation at all. Is it wonderful? Absolutely! But it’s still the same work that you do at home—just harder.

The solution here is pretty straightforward: if he wants to do ambitious things on vacation, he should either bring the kids with him while you have solo time (he’ll learn darn quickly about what happens when you run out of snacks), or spend more time on childcare in general, so that you have the energy to join in. Does he recognize that if you watch the kids the whole time he works, that means that he has more responsibility—not less—to watch them when he’s not working? Is it possible that his lifestyle hasn’t changed all that much since becoming a parent, so he hasn’t yet learned that you can’t do every single thing you want when there’s a baby and toddler along? I’m curious, after your hike, if he realized that he’d made an error in unilaterally extending the trip. Did he apologize, and promise to learn from the experience? Or does he still think that he did nothing wrong?

Vacations need to work for the whole family, not just him. If you watched the kids for part of the morning while he exercised, he should watch them for the rest of the morning, so you get time for yourself, too. When you’re breastfeeding, that’s trickier, but he can still take the toddler with him. Maybe part of his workout could entail taking your older kid to a park and running in circles with her, or doing pushups with her on his back. Another option: a friend taught me recently about Baby Yoga, where you lie on the floor next to a baby and try to match and hold each pose they strike. I’ve rarely been so sore the next day.

You could also request that you each plan alternate days of the trip. Are you exhausted from his activities? No problem. The next day is for lounging in a cabana. This way, you can achieve a modicum of balance.

Suggesting these changes may make him feel hurt, or defensive, but if he has a fundamentally egalitarian attitude toward family life, then he should come to understand the logic behind your requests. If he’s stuck in the 1950s and believes that childcare is a woman’s job, then he should still realize that you can’t magically generate extra energy when it’s all going toward your kids. In that case, ironically, you may be able to put your foot down more, pulling rank as primary caregiver to have the final say on what the kids (and you) are actually capable of enjoying on any given day.

And if someone reading this feels a flicker of concern about whether they, too, may be spearheading “Dad Camp,” consider these questions.

1. Does your family want to do the fun and edifying things you plan?

A) Yes.

B) No, they say they don’t want to.

2. If your family says they don’t want to do the fun things you planned, what do you do?

A) Explain why they’re wrong, then make them do it anyway.

B) Listen to their concerns, and adjust accordingly. This doesn’t always mean canceling your activities, but you might shorten them, and add or subtract other things from the agenda.

If you selected A for both, congrats! You’re not a perpetrator of forced fun. And if you selected yes, you’ll be happy to know that there’s a simple solution: listen to the people you love.

Blair Braverman writes our Tough Love column. Last month, she gave advice on how to know when to quit your thru-hike and what to do when you can’t afford your friend group’s vacations.