Published January 20, 2024 04:00AM
An Incomplete List of the Minor Indignities of Air Travel
At its best, flying isn’t miserable. Here are 24 ways travel could be more fun—including, but not limited to, letting me fly the plane.
(Photo: Brendan Leonard)
When I fly somewhere and I get to where I’m going, sometimes someone will ask, “How was your flight?” And I just say, “Ah, it was fine,” because it usually is. But I was on a flight a couple weeks ago, and I started thinking, “You know, this whole experience went pretty well, yet again. But it could have been even better.” So I started making a list of some things that in a perfect world, might have gone a tad more smoothly during my multi-leg trip.
- Airport auto-flush toilet flushed when I was still seated
- Repeated failure to trigger automatic faucet in restroom
- Paper towel ripped into pieces when I pulled on it
- Gate was far from Jamba Juice
- USB charger in seats at gate didn’t charge phone quickly
- Boarding protocol seemed to indicate that I am not special, or at least only the fifth most-special group of people boarding this flight
- Electronic boarding pass wouldn’t scan right away
- Said “Good, how are you?” in reply to flight attendant who said, “Hello”
- No one in first class offered to give me their seat in exchange for my non-first class seat
- No one in first class acknowledged my existence as a fellow traveler of the air with so much as a simple wave, head nod, or smile and hearty handshake as I shuffled past
- Person in seat next to me did not seem to think my job sounded interesting
- Comfort plus was not as comfortable as I’d fantasized
- Someone farted
- Guy manspreaded into my leg space bubble
- Only three of eight Mission Impossible movies available on in-flight entertainment
- Plane wing blocked part of view
- Clouds outside window not interestingly shaped
- Pilots did not invite me to help them fly plane or even hang out in cabin at all
- Plane did not have friendly, fluffy golden retriever patrolling the aisles
- Loyalty to airline rewarded with “miles” instead of a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on during hard times, or actual friendship
- No one complimented my new shoes
- Removing bag from overhead bin required multiple attempts spanning several seconds
- Human flight achieved in 1903, yet we still await the creation of affordable and widely available jetpacks
- No smartly dressed driver waiting with a placard bearing my name in a tasteful font when I arrived at my destination
