Climber Classified Ads We’d Love to See

Climbers are a special breed. Below, writer Kevin Corrigan has imagined a lineup of classified advertisements suited for a life spent on the crag.

Roommate Wanted

Seeking roommate for cozy dwelling. Climber preferred: Home often moves between Smith Rock, Yosemite, J-Tree, Red Rock, and City of Rocks. The home is mobile, but it’s not a “mobile home.” Enjoy waking up to 360-degree mountain (or sometimes Walmart or rest-area) views with wraparound windows and a skylight. Usable space measures roughly 66 cubic feet when seats are folded down. Good hygiene is a must as we’ll be living close together, but note that rent does not include a 24 Hour Fitness membership for showering. We will share the bed, though some form of cardboard divider could be erected for an additional charge. Just to be clear, it’s a 1998 Toyota 4Runner. Rent is $600 a month (does not include utilities: gas, car insurance).

For Sale

Offwidth rack, used once. $1,500 OBO.

Seeking Employment

Skilled programmer searching for work. Remote must be OK. Can be available M–F 8–5 on days when temps aren’t good. Full benefits, large salary (100-plus K), and minimal responsibility preferred. Actually, it’s best if you just send me the work and I’ll get to it when I get to it. I’ve been hangboarding a lot so I feel strong, and condies are Splitter in the Red right now, so TBH my availability is pretty minimal. If you pay me now, and then I’ll owe you a bunch of work when the season winds down, that would be chill. DM if interested: @sprinterdave5.14

Lost

I can’t find my bed. It’s an Organic Big Five Pad, neon green with pink and blaze-orange accents. I accidentally mixed it up with the Big Five Pad I boulder with, and then forgot it in Bishop, Hueco, Joe’s, or Moe’s—I don’t remember where. So now I have a bouldering pad but no bed. I’d sleep on the bouldering pad, but it’s pretty dirty and I need it for bouldering. Reward: Ten spots.

Services

Professional ropegun for hire

I am very good at rock climbing, and I will lead any route of your choice and hang the rope—for a price (my base rate is $100 per pitch, moving up to $500 depending on difficulty and seriousness). I will then belay you on the route for as long as you want. Other options: We can choose a large objective to climb together, or I can spend a day teaching you technical skills. For insurance reasons, I am not a “climbing guide” but merely a “climbing friend”— please remember that if you get injured and decide to contact a lawyer.

Missed Connection

I saw you running laps on the autobelay, a yellow Reverso dangling from your gear loop. I read your message loud and clear: You’re looking for a belayer. I would’ve said “Hi,” but you left before I could finish my 4x4s in the bouldering cave. I recently got out of a bad belaytionship—my former partner said some very hurtful things to me when she regained consciousness after I dropped her—but I believe I am ready to re-enter the belaying scene. We can be casual at first, just trading belays at the gym when we run into each other, but I am looking for something that will lead to bigger things: outdoor sport projects or even hours-long big-wall aid leads if you’re “the one.” CALL JENNY: 867-5309.