Features: The Outside Prognosticator

Published May 2, 2004 12:00AM


January 1996 Features: The Outside Prognosticator Every time period has its ups and downs, but 1996 will be something else. Are we thrilled to our toes about the Atlanta Olympics? Yes, but we’re cringing about Izzy, the Games’ purple-hided mascot, who will lead a schlock assault that could give the world a sugar headache. Meanwhile, environmentalists are preparing for a presidential election year. Pleasurably: It’s the ultimate affirmation of democracy. Painfully: When the dust clears, they’ll get four more years of Bill Clinton, who leaves most of them cold, or Bob Dole or Phil Gramm or Pat Buchanan, who leave all of them semicatatonic. What it all signifies–a premillennial metaphor? or just a very iffy year?–is anyone’s guess. But this much we can say with a bold anticipatory wince: 1996 is upon us. Let the joyous ouch begin! Sports: Atlanta’s Olympics–the good, the bad, and the Ted-and-Jane; the year’s four most noteworthy expeditions; why snowboarding’s pioneers are skiing again; kiddies in crampons on the world’s toughest peaks; up-close almost-Olympic action; and three up-and-coming Stupid Pastimes. Travel: The planet’s hottest new dive spot; the one-week do-it-all adrenaline tour; behind the wheel on America’s autobahn; trips that bring you face-to-gills with the local fauna; and a resort that gives new meaning to the phrase “Rocky Mountain high.” Environment: Congress sells off our national forests; the new rancher-tree hugger consortium; Dear Mr. GOP; the cause of global warming; the war on martian microbes; and a burning question from the Beltway pundits: Can Bill Clinton ride a green wave to a second term? Culture: The big, bad wolf turns popular pet; Teutonic Tontos ride the range; but we all can get along; gimmicks for trademarking an attitude; a new breed of sports toys for folks who don’t like to sweat; and Woody Harrelson, Celebrity Do-Gooder of the Year. Prophecies: Astounding predictions from our crack team of psychics, including: the hurricane that will take down NASA; mixed results for Miguel Indurain at the Tour de France; killer South African crocodiles.

January 1996 Features: The Outside Prognosticator Every time period has its ups and downs, but 1996 will be something else. Are we thrilled to our toes about the Atlanta Olympics? Yes, but we’re cringing about Izzy, the Games’ purple-hided mascot, who will lead a schlock assault that could give the world a sugar headache. Meanwhile, environmentalists are preparing for a presidential election year. Pleasurably: It’s the
ultimate affirmation of democracy. Painfully: When the dust clears, they’ll get four more years of Bill Clinton, who leaves most of them cold, or Bob Dole or Phil Gramm or Pat Buchanan, who leave all of them semicatatonic. What it all signifies–a premillennial metaphor? or just a very iffy year?–is anyone’s guess. But this much we can say with a bold anticipatory wince: 1996 is
upon us. Let the joyous ouch begin! Sports:
Atlanta’s Olympics–the good, the bad, and the Ted-and-Jane;
the year’s four most noteworthy expeditions;
why snowboarding’s pioneers are skiing again;
kiddies in crampons on the world’s toughest peaks;
up-close almost-Olympic action;
and three up-and-coming Stupid Pastimes. Travel:
The planet’s hottest new dive spot;
the one-week do-it-all adrenaline tour;
behind the wheel on America’s autobahn;
trips that bring you face-to-gills with the local fauna;
and a resort that gives new meaning to the phrase “Rocky Mountain high.” Environment:
Congress sells off our national forests;
the new rancher-tree hugger consortium;
Dear Mr. GOP;
the cause of global warming;
the war on martian microbes;
and a burning question from the Beltway pundits: Can Bill Clinton ride a green wave to a second term? Culture:
The big, bad wolf turns popular pet;
Teutonic Tontos ride the range;
but we all can get along;
gimmicks for trademarking an attitude;
a new breed of sports toys for folks who don’t like to sweat;
and Woody Harrelson, Celebrity Do-Gooder of the Year. Prophecies:
Astounding predictions from our crack team of psychics, including: the hurricane that will take down NASA; mixed results for Miguel Indurain at the Tour de France; killer South African crocodiles.

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